flaming underpants

Obama, growing on me like a colony of E. coli

flamingunderpants — Sun, 05 Sep 2010 15:37:08 +0000

By Timo Cerantola

Just over two years into “change we can believe in” and still the best thing I can say about Barack Obama is that he’s not George Bush. Granted, he may be infinitely smarter than that banal skin sack, but if the outcome is the same, one has to wonder whether the presidency even matters any more?

Seriously, is Bush’s knife in your back better than Obama’s knife through your heart?

All I’ve seen is politics as usual. You know, first win public approval with a barrage of lies and promises and then do whatever the hell those with the real power tell you to do. So far, president, part-time superhero and media darling Obama, “THE MAN OF CHANGE” has continued with Bush league leadership.

Here’s change Obama style:

He has escalated the war in Afghanistan.

He has bombed Pakistan numerous times.

The American franchises of Torture ‘R’ US (Guantanamo) is still open and Bagram (is expanding)?

Obama claims the Iraq war is over – but leaves a mere 50,000 combat troops (now called advisors?) and several military bases operational. His declaration failed to mention the army of Rambo’s the US still employs in Iraq. That’s right, Mr. Peace Prize employs thousands upon thousands of military contractors, (usually referred to as mercenaries if the US is not involved).

And finally, Obama is continuing George Bush’s economic program of ‘no greedy banker or Wall Street bastard left behind.’

Like Bush before him, Obama has shown that he too believes that corporate and bank losses should be the responsibility of the taxpayer – but, corporate and bank profits are the responsibility of corporations and banks.

In case you capitalists forgot, capitalism already has a plan in place for banks, investment houses and insurance companies that go broke – they go bankrupt and their stockholders lose all their money. And then, the people who ran, pimped and thieved for the institutions they ran into the ground find other work – hopefully not in banking, investing or anywhere near other people’s money.

Obama has built a government out of white-collar criminals, lobby group bootlickers and corporate elite lap dogs. He continues to empower the same corporate criminals (and spawn of satan) who, with obvious conflict of interest, believe the solution to our economic problems is to help wealthy people maintain their wealth at the expense of generations of taxpayers. Hey, if corruption got us into this mess, why can’t it get us out?

Yet each day, as more and more people lose their jobs and homes and take up residence in tent cities and line up for food stamps, their president is in bed with crooks. Hey Barack, where’s the bailout for the jobless, homeless and the impoverished?

They got beat up by the downturn in the economy too! (Fortunately, I still have my Beanie Baby collection – which now represents my entire pension savings).

I expect soon, within 3 or 4 years (possibly sooner) the US dollar will collapse. This will lead to a massive collapse of the US economy at large – massive unemployment; poverty and civil unrest will likely follow. Then, martial law will be declared.

Then, the corporate media lapdogs and scare-orists will get together – reading from the same playbook they will sell martial law to the public as the best possible solution for the country’s economic woes. Naturally, a majority of the people will buy into the big lie and be thankful for martial law – an Orwellian parallel of staggering proportions.

And so, when this economic Titanic sinks into the depths, Barack Obama like George Bush before him, will have prepared seats on the lifeboats for only the richest among us. The rest of us, locked down in steerage, will go down with the ship.

To those of you who entertain the delusion that our financial woes will soon be over due to Obama’s superhuman ministrations, I view you as merely evidence that reality, like science, is no longer considered valid when it proves to be contrary to political theatre and propaganda.

If you are not fond of reality, I recommend you watch more television – where healthy minds go to die. I believe if you flip on your TV right this minute, you can catch America’s Biggest Loser, Jerry Springer or, if you’re into fiction, the network news.

As the book says, “You shall know them by their deeds” – and so far, Barack Obama’s deeds speak volumes. Barack Obama is a fraud. Sorry, if the truth hurts.

The war is over but the US is not leaving Iraq as promised.

Obama ‘the man of change’ has let bygones be bygones with American war criminal George W. Bush and those in his administration (who were only following orders).

By all international standards, George W. Bush is a war criminal. The world witnessed his illegal war against Iraq. Hundreds of thousands of innocents died and their country was destroyed. America under Bush was responsible for torture, illegal wiretaps and secret detentions. Obama says, lets look forward not backward.

The people elected Obama so that he would clean up corporate crime and greed and regain public trust. Obama was elected because he was going to restore America’s reputation around the world. Obama was elected because he was going to get the US out of Iraq ENTIRELY!

Barrack “Mr. Peace Prize” Obama was not elected so that he would expand a winless war in Afghanistan and start a new one by bombing Pakistan.

If Obama wants the confidence of his nation, perhaps it’s time to find some balls and stand up and be the leader of all the people, not just a mouthpiece for the elite. But as it turns out, Obama is cut from the same lying piece of shyte that Bush was.

The US presidency is merely a (insert your favorite nasty word here) country club. And like most presidents, Obama prefers to sound like a leader rather than behave like one.

“One of the most horrible features of war is that all the war-propaganda, all the screaming and lies and hatred, comes invariably from people who are not fighting.”
-George Orwell, Homage to Catalonia, 1938

The End is Near: Take the Apocalypse Quiz

flamingunderpants — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 17:24:43 +0000

By Timo Cerantola

According to many psychics, religious fundamentalists and doomsday enthusiasts (who are all, more or less, the same people), the Bible’s final battle between good and evil is now at hand.

In fact, these apocalyptic predictions are taken so seriously by so many, a highly profitable “end times” industry has emerged to feed this growing gullible audience – willing to pay for their daily dosage of doom and gloom in the form of books and dvd’s.

Granted, in view of recent world events, our collective demise doesn’t seem like that much of a stretch, especially when the fear-mongering corporate media cheers from the sidelines, selling endless wars, intolerance and hatred along with their regular daily offerings of disaster, disease and pestilence. Perhaps it’s only natural for a frightened public to feel threatened and expect the worst.

Still, despite all this marketing of doom and 2012 prophetic pretentiousness, as far as I’m concerned, any talk of the end of the world is nothing but mindless nonsense and Nostradamus is just a great name for a new sinus medication.

However, just in case I’m completely wrong and global annihilation is just around the corner, perhaps you should prepare yourselves with some end times knowledge by taking this apocalyptic quiz.

Question #1

1. Complete this next sentence. The end of the world will occur…

a) In 2012, coinciding with the end of the Mayan calendar.
b) When the “fat lady” sings.
c) When the Dow drops below 5,000.
d) Due to unprecedented levels of stupidity in Washington.

2. When the end of the world occurs, what is the most important thing to remember?

a) Your absolute faith in God’s love.
b) the pledge of allegiance.
c) Your eternal soul.
d) To bring clean underwear.

3. When looking for sure signs of the end times, we are told to look for…

a) Great signs in the heavens.
b) “www.endtimes.com” on the internet.
c) An increase in global disasters
d) an increase in homeowner insurance premiums.

4. In the end, according to Jesus’ Beatitudes sermon, who will inherit the earth?

a) Sarah Palin
b) Joe Biden
c) Bill Gates Jr.
d) The “meek” (minus the usual 15% in lawyers fees).

5. What is meant by “the rapture?”
a) It’s something that can happen when you pick up a really heavy object.
b) A Toronto basketball player.
c) It’s when God will rescue His faithful before the battle of Armageddon.
d) It’s the feeling I’ll get when the Toronto Maple Leafs finally win
the Stanley Cup again.

6. It is said that when Jesus returns, He will set up his earthly kingdom in…

a) New Jersey
b) New Hampshire
c) Wasilla, Alaska
d) The New Jerusalem

7. Which of the following 2 characters did NOT help Dorothy find her way to the Emerald City?

a) The Scarecrow
b) The Anti-Christ
c) The Tin Man
d) The False Prophet
e) The Cowardly Lion

8. In the 11th century, the Irish Bishop Malachy made a series of predictions, meticulously listing and describing each of the remaining 112 Popes leading up to the final battle of Armageddon. According to Malachi’s predictions, only one Pope remains after our present Pope Benedict.

Pick the correct one
a) Pope Cheney, the Dick
b) Peter, the Roman.
c) Arnold, the Schwartzenegger
d) Pope Obama, the flipflopper

9. Which of the following is NOT an Edgar Cayce prophecy?

a) Atlantis will rise from the depths of the Atlantic Ocean.
b) In North America, a cataclysmic change will cause the Great Lakes
to drain into the Gulf of Mexico.
c) Both California and Japan will sink into the Pacific Ocean.
d) Pizza will be delivered within 30 minutes – or it’s free.

And finally…

10. What have the prophets really been trying to warn mankind of for centuries?
a) Of the many earth changes to come.
b) That the mark of “the Beast” is just a bad haircut.
c) That the words prophet and profit are surprisingly similar.
d) That like P.T. Barnum said, there’s a sucker born every minute.

YOUR QUIZ SCORE: Who cares? The end is near for Pete’s sake. For once in
your life stop trying to be such a smarty-pants!

Brother Can You Spare A Trillion?

flamingunderpants — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 21:59:04 +0000

By TimoCerantola

IN the beginning, there were no banks.

AND then MAN said, “Let there be the three-piece suit.”

And when man saw that this was good (especially in Armani), man said, “Let there be the brief case, the two martini lunch and the bank charge.”

When man saw what he had created, he believed that this too was good – although he decided to raise bank charges just a bit more.

Man then asked himself, “What else can I do to screw up creation?”

And so, MAN invented the stock market. And before you could say ‘My broker is an incompetent weasel’, the value of Dow Jones Industrials became mired in a bull market, bank profits dropped like a lead balloon and the rest of us were in debt up to our pie holes. (If you don’t believe me, just ask God. He was there and He’ll confirm everything).

True, prior to the invention of money and the stock market, mankind had a wonderfully efficient system called the barter system that was based on trading tangible goods. You know, you give me a bear fur and I’ll give you two brontosaurus steaks. You give me one of your wheel inventions, I’ll teach you the secret of fire. If you give me that bag of ‘Cheesits’ – I won’t bash your skull in with this rock.

Of course trading is still done today, only now it’s done on worthless paper at the stock exchange. And, as any child of three with a diverse stock portfolio (and a large rock) can plainly see, today’s stock market parallels the old barter system in many ways – although actual living breathing livestock (other than the stock brokers) are no longer present on the trading floor.

Now I prefer the simplicity of the old barter system, though, as many of you are probably aware, these days Home Depot or Sears will not accept a goat as payment – although the going rate for a four slice toaster among Mongolian yak herders is still two sheep, a bottle of moonshine, a deck of cards and a jar of peanut butter (which in Mongolia is the makings of one heck of a party).

Many people find the stock market a very confusing place. And so, in an effort to clarify any confusion, I asked world-renowned investment guru Diddley P. Squat for some market advice to pass along to you. You know what they say in market circles, if you don’t know Diddley, you don’t know Squat!

Anyways, Diddley says the first thing anyone must learn when it comes to understanding the complexities of the stock market, is the difference between the two market terms “bearish” and “bullshi… er bullish.”

You see, when the stock market is “bearish” it is a very depressing time and you will often hear people say, “Jump you bastards, jump!”

But, when the stock market is “bullish” it is a very, very happy time (of lies and deceit) among wealthy people – who will still insist that business is bad.

As for market volatility, the best anyone can figure is that the stock market seems to go into decline because someone starts a rumor that the market is about to go into decline. And then, usually the next business day, someone else starts a rumor that the market is about to go through the roof, and it does.

Of course in these days of bailouts and socialism for free market capitalists, there are no rules any more. If the market collapses due to the corrupt and odious business practices of the many, many greedy scoundrels in banking and finance, our political leaders will rush to their rescue using the full power of government (meaning you and your money) and inject billions, make that trillions of taxpayer dollars into the market to save their sorry unethical asses. After all, no one wants to see evil crooked rich people lose their money.

Speaking of rich people, have you ever noticed when you’re out with a group of friends, it’s only the richest ones who complain about money?

Sadly, I have nothing to complain about. And so, I let the rich worry about money. I spend my valuable time groveling for food but, as usual, I digress from the topic at hand.

In the last couple of years, as many of you are aware, the economies of the world have been in turmoil – mostly due to the sleazy, shameful pursuits of US financiers and unscrupulous swindlers on Wall Street. As I see it, the root problem isn’t about money. The problem is a lack of ethical and honest brokering.

Really, it couldn’t get much worse (but it will). You see, despite the constant encouraging “green shoots” spin you hear daily in the mainstream media, the real American economy is and will continue to be a total basket case for many years to come. This is mainly due to the enormous, multi-trillion dollar debt America has amassed combined with the continued lack of any real ‘nuts and bolts’ economy America needs to service that massive debt.

But don’t worry, Barack Obama assures us. He has all the right (con) men working on fixing our economic problems – with more bailouts, if necessary.

Yes, more bailouts are probably on the horizon, because looming in the background, are many more financial bubbles like treasury bonds, commercial real estate or credit cards, each ripe and ready to burst like a red bulbous zit on the nose of a nerd.

When they occur, I imagine more government bailouts will be offered and given the same heavily propagandized media selling job as the last bailouts, complete with the usual scare tactics of millions of lost jobs, collapsing pension funds, massive home foreclosures, imposing martial law, increase in pestilence, nuclear attack, alien invasions, the sky is falling… if we don’t all accept the bailout route. (They should threaten no TV for a week if they really wanted to scare us).

Sadly, the truth is, if we really want to save our poor, sorry, indebted butts, we need honest people running the show. And let’s face it kids, there just aren’t that many people in banking and the stock market with the right expertise if the right expertise is honest brokering.

Experts without vested interests do not exist on Wall Street, in banks, in the Obama administration or in other world governments – or among lawyers, or in politics, the oil industry, the auto industry, or the Pentagon, military industrial complex, pharmaceutical industry, car sales, shoe sales…

So everyone, there’s nothing to worry about, unless of course you were counting on maintaining your quality of life and addiction to food. Then, there may be a slight problem. Or, to put it more succinctly, Mr. Shit may I introduce Mr. Fan.